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Constant panting echoed through the pure white halls of Heaven as John Brown hustled towards the transporter room. Once inside, and still gasping, his sweaty hand slapped the red button to send him back to Earth. Sparkles flew and particles of light circled around him as the room began to incrementally shake in a mechanical way.

Soon enough, John was sliding through inter-dimensional wormhole. The walls of swirling purple plasma and constricting high pressure came to a relieving end as his body began to materialise on Earth. Visually, it looked much the same as the beginning of his journey: sparkles with particles of light spiraling around him.

After fully materialising, John stretched. His large white feathered wings straightened to their full length. His superhuman manifestation was entirely snow white, except his skin retained some element of life, bearing a fleshly hue. Considerably taller than a normal man, he still was retained an humanoid form, with the notable addition of the wings. Each hand held a large doubled edged sword with the blades encircled by glowing white flames.

Apparently, it was nighttime, with a mild breeze in the air. Noone was out and about, despite the nice light cast from the not entirely full moon. In this light of darkness, John began his first visit. The way in which he moved gave the appearance that under his long white robe, neither his feet nor legs were actually moving, but rather floating or sliding along the ground effortlessly.

Before long, his irking pace led him to the wooden door of a farmhouse. With both fists, still holding the swords, he beat on the door. A middle-aged woman answered the door.

Letting out an elongated “Hoooo!” with his rounded lips and with the tip of the sword in his left hand he bopped her on the head, inflicting a mortal wound. Upon hearing the commotion, her husband rose from his chair, yelling, “What the sam hell..”. Seeing the visiter, his eyes grew larger, leaving him in a paralysed shock. Brown then lunged towards him with the sword in his right hand, piercing the man’s chest. The man hollered, “Ahhh! You got me!” before Brown lopped off his head with the other sword.

Now, the entire household was awake. The slaves rushed to their master’s aid, only to find they no longer had a master. Seeing them, Brown raised both arms into the air, and boisterously declared, “You are freeeee!” With feelings mixed with gratitude and fear, they fled his presence.

The remainder of the night continued in much the same way. John joyously jogged from one homestead to the next. He developed an rhythmic methodology, not unlike that of a ballroom dance. In fact, the Bitter Sweet Symphony Remix began to play at the beginning of each visit he made.

Finally, after another visit, the wide eyes of his no nonsense expression gazed into the sky to see that dawn was quickly approaching. Around half way back to the town square, he realised he wasn’t going to make it. Dropping both swords, he used each hand to hold up his flowing robe. Bustling along as quickly as he could, he cried allowed with a tinge of desperation in his tone, “I have to get back to Heaven!”

Reaching the destination right in time, he quickly spun around and stomped his right foot onto the ground. The earth shook and sparkles flew as particles of light began to encircle him.


A trinket was tossed down from the heavens. It was fashioned in the shape of an animal, maybe a giraffe, with a glow and sparkle like cheap crap out of an entrance machine. While still in the air, a young zealot sprang into the sky to take hold of the trinket. In the air, he did a flip, and then stretched out his body with all his might, reaching up so far that his armpit ached until his desperate hand finally took hold of the trinket.

Once he acquired the object, and whilst still in the air, it was as if time stopped. A disturbing holler of excitement come through his mouth as beams of red and pink stars began puking out of both eyes. Time started again, but the stars continued coming out of his eyes and he began descending back to the ground. As he descended, his body was nearly in a seated position, as if he were sitting in a chair. But if the invisible chair were rotating continuously forward, making the man continuously flip.

This continued and the rotations became faster and faster as he came lower and lower. Amazingly, he literally hit the ground running and proceeded to run down the street. He continued running until he reached the other side of the Earth and disappeared.

Long, long ago, there was a man named Moon. Moon just kinda hung out on his own, doing his own thing. Then he saw a really hot woman named Sun. He instantly fell in love with her. The two became great lovers.

Then one day, a new girl moved in the neighbourhood. Her name was Earth. She was very young, but had beautiful blue hair. Moon saw her and couldn’t help falling in love with her. Of course, Sun was really pissed off at her paedophile lover Moon, and divorced him. In turn, Moon moved in with Earth and made her the centre of his life. As Earth matured, she became sexier and hotter. This is the cause of Global Warming.

Further out in the neighbourhood lived a pimp named Saturn. He had the most moons in the neighbourhood.

On the outskirts of town, lived Pluto. No one really knew if he was a moon or a planet, so they labeled him as an hermaphrodite.